First love and friendship
I have always been a lover girl - I had crushes since I can remember on boys I might never forget, but I have known my first love since we were seven years old, and we are still ‘friends’ today.
He checks in here and there, dropping words of wisdom; and while today, I will guide you all around the world in love, a huge part of my identity is American, and without understanding this, you miss out on some of the ways I move, shake, and show up!
Lover girl leaves NYC for San Francisco
I imbibed in the societal ideal of “the one,” but with many passions outside of choosing and being chosen, I focused on my career.
After an exhausting start to my career where I was doing Investment Banking in the Natural Resources department at Goldman Sachs New York City, closing multi-billion dollar deals and building complex financial models, my ability to feel and express love felt shallow and (for lack of a better word) injured.
My new job as an Associate Product Marketing Manager at Google brought me across the country to San Francisco, where my brother and many close friends were already living. Google was a place of constant learning, filled with bright and curious minds, like my own. My heart started to feel whole again and my capacity to love deeply became conscious to me once more.
Broken heart inflicted by my country of origin
But the political climate in the U.S. (Donald Trump was elected president) sent tremors to the deepest parts of my soul. After an election watch party, I came home feeling a deep sense of distress and dysphoria. Honestly, I wailed as I tried to rock myself to sleep thinking of the door our country opened. Did I fit into this country anymore? Was the hard work and contribution of my immigrant parents not appreciated now, or ever? Did many people around me hold not-so-secret views on their entitlement and privilege?
At the same time, I was offered an amazing new scope to help launch one of Google’s newest consumer apps, the Google Assistant, across all of Asia. I would need to move to a country I had never been before, Singapore, and begin frequent travel to countries like South Korea, Japan, Indonesia, and India. So, with a broken heart inflicted by my country of origin, I packed up my life and moved across the world!
Across the world to Singapore
Singapore was magical. I quickly made close friends, and I within a few months, I was in a committed relationship with a humorous, self-deprecating, financial analyst and Englishman. I travelled all over Asia, with friends-coworkers-my lover, from Vietnam to Australia to Hong Kong to Shanghai to The Great Wall of China to Japan to climbing Mt. Fuji to Macau to India to South Korea to N. Korean demilitarized zone to Malaysia to Sri Lanka to Taiwan to Cambodia to Thailand.
I took up deep sea diving and felt more connected to this Earth, from the land to the vast seas. I began writing again, after a three year hiatus, and ICARUS began to be formed. My poetry was published in an anthology, and I felt a deep sense of a discovered life purpose - sharing truth and joy through writing. But, my Englishman was sent on a project to Geneva, and the long distance from Singapore to Switzerland was dreadful for us both to say the least, so our relationship ended as I tried to get to Europe. Soon after, the global pandemic lockdown hit Singapore second in the world after China.
Again, my ability to feel and express love felt shallow and (for lack of a better word) injured. I was heartbroken and deeply afraid. I was across the world, far from family and many of my friends had already left Singapore in anticipation of what was next. So, with a stroke of luck and help from God, Google moved me to Berlin, Germany, a city I knew quite well from studying there in 2012 and learning German at my alma mater, Brown University.
Berlin, Germany
It was a breath of fresh air and I felt a deep sense of freedom being back in Berlin. With long-time friends close by and a strong community, I felt grounded and on my feet again. An artistic, eccentric, German author and poet fell in love with me. We moved in together and stuck out the pandemic side-by-side, but the question of what qualities should a partner have stuck in my mind. I made lists and did more inner work by working with coaches, mentors, and therapists. I uncovered how deep and strong my capacity to love is, like exploring the vast ocean floor, and that this capacity to love has been the wood to my internal fire, passions, focus, and curiosity since I was young.
With so much passion and experiences, finding a match has been a lovely journey. Accepting him and being accepted - understanding him and being understood - practicing compassion and being compassionate - One cannot linger in the valley of love and expect to see the sunrise without the hard work of ascent.
Some final words from a recent exchange with one of my first friends and my first love.
The ocean floor of love
This deep capacity to love inspires my poetry, my novels, my friendships, my romances, my existence! And this capacity to love has taken me around the world to places and people who have changed my life forever. May we continue to walk this ocean floor. May we continue to love one another.
Petals On a Whisper
She paints petals on a whisper amongst the clouds,
But the rain is glassy and the sky is gray.
He practiced ministry through technology.
Intercession over time.
Did he minister to all or had he noticed she'd lost faith?
Well, sometimes I wander where you are.
And, sometimes I wonder where you are.
Worn out from the sun. . .
In the forest
Burn the incense
There's more to you!
Climb the mountain
Bring your offering
There's more to lose!
So get off that Carousel,
Round and round we go.
The game of life is not over and
It's time to ignite our souls.
Yes, I went into the wilderness to find peace.
And all the while,
It was inside of you ... and me